An ode to mediocrity

Hard to believe we’re so close to the end yet so close to the beginning. 

Life as we know it will soon crumble but is it for better or worse?

This chapter soon will close but noone knows what the next one will hold.

Perhaps the change will inspire us to take life into our grasp and run with it.

Perhaps we’ll crawl back into our holes and become nothing new at all.

Perhaps our relationships will grow stronger with the days.

Perhaps they will be thrown to the wind with our graduation caps.

The future is so unclear yet it’s forever drawing us nearer and nearer.

Do be kind, fate, for we mean not to meddle with your plan.

If we only knew from the start, it would lessen the broken hearts.

Just be gentle for you see, things will never be the same for me.  

Everything is…

constantly changing, you see.

Everything is. 

My soul is an open door, feel free to explore.

My mind is askew with thoughts of me and you.

Come, follow me we can journey the sea,

only you , I and the fish swimming by

telling secrets and truths of our forsaken youth.

As we travel along, to my mind comes a song

one of love and of hope as we sit in our boat.

Once again hypnotized by your lovely green eyes,

I begin to lose track of which way we get back.

So we float further still from our home on the hill

scared at first, seeking shore our excitement grows more,

as we reach unknown places with unfamiliar faces.

Onward we go, where to we don’t know

though I’m sure, yes it’s true, I’ll be safe here with you.

No matter how far from home that we are

home for me now is wherever you are.

whatever does happenI always want you in my lifeI always want us to be somethingno matter what

I tire of these lies and untrue alibies

is there not a soul in this place who’s actions match their face?

Sometimes I fear I’m the last of my kind here.

I grow weary and weak from the things that I seek.

I’m left regretful and alone in the place once called my home.

Noone knows what goes on in this mind, of the things I’ve left behind.

You knew the things I couldn’t tell, used them to create my own personal hell.

Nothing is now as it was before, I’m sheepish and sorry and emotionally sore.

Yet now I hold my head high not a soul to know of  tears I had cried

for noone will pity what I’ve become It’s my fault you see, the damage is done.

Let this be our secret, my make-shift friend, keep it with you until the end.

The curtains will fall, credits will roll only to mask the lies that were told.

They’ll believe every word, always they do. Until the day I said it was you.

Flightless wings, I see staring up at me.

Broken dreams torn at the seams.

Hopeless perseverance met with eternal interference.

Longing that one day the wind will sweep you away,

to a place where you’ve belonged all along.

Butterfly, go, travel the land; Life on the ground is ever so bland.

Little do they know that my savior could be theirs

Only in a dream could it be so

Life is short but eternity long, your shining grace a marvelous song

Your mercy is a waterfall and I’m drowning in the flood

What more should we crave then to be captivated by your blood?

Life by definition should honor you and only you

yet we make it about things that are pointless from a higher view

what if everything you had was gone in an instant?

What if you had nothing left?         

He would be there above all with your sin a scar across his chest.

Any second cold be your last and you wont have time to regret the past

Because the focus is now and the question is why

Why don’t we honor our savior who died?

We talk the talk but don’t walk the walk

We aren’t willing to risk it all

So how can we handle the fact above all

That Jesus saved us but we can’t even take the time to follow his call?

Listen close because I won’t tell you again-

You owe him your life. He paid for your sins.

Walking down the hallway that day I should have known there was something off about it all. The way they all looked at me as if I were a dinosaur or something that just didn’t belong. I had spent hours in that place but this time was different, this was the last day I was me. Well, it was the last day I thought I was me. June 21^st, 2007 as I walked home from school I noticed something was different. At the time I thought I just wasn’t getting enough sleep or maybe I was just over stressed but I was more wrong than I could ever understand. I was sixteen and it was my junior year in high school, everyone was stressed out about college, boys, you name it. I started getting these headaches everyday and at first I just put it off saying it was nothing but as they got worse and more frequent I began to wonder what was wrong with me.

After three months of these headaches my parents decided to take me to the hospital to have some tests taken, they did MRIs, Cat scans, blood tests, pee tests, light tests, dark tests, loud tests, quiet tests, every test. After a month or so of all sorts of testing they said everything was normal and I should just try to deal with the headaches. They said there was nothing wrong with me, that if they got worse or if I started passing out that I should come back but for now there was nothing to be done.

 As the months went by aspirin became my best friend. Loud noises, bright lights and strong smells became my enemies. Anytime I would get upset or stressed out, basically anytime anything happened I would get a headache. My teachers and friends all knew the drill, when I would put my head down or walk out of class I was having an episode. Don’t follow me.

I went back to the hospital quite frequently, because of the headaches it was hard to eat sometimes and my body would get all out of wack so they wanted to make sure everything got balanced out. They would give me IVs with the vitamins I needed and the nurses would all sit and talk to me while the doctors poked away at my body. As time went on the headaches lead to more and more issues. I was tired all the time and it was a struggle getting out of bed every morning. Most of my friends would say that I was just being a baby and that they were tired too but they didn’t understand what I went through. I usually didn’t wake upto my alarm, my mom would come into my room and try to wake me up and most mornings I wouldn’t wake to that either. She got pretty scared sometimes and would shake me or scream to try to wake me but most of the time I woke up with a face full of ice cold water. Some mornings not even that worked, I missed a lot of classes and it got hard to be awake at all.

The doctors did more tests and determined that I had a hormone imbalance 

Its crazy. I know. That I love you so, but the feelings inside are too strong to hide.

The smile on your face and the twinkle in your eyes makes my heart skip a beat and my head tell me lies.

I hope that this thing just is meant to be, for you to stay forever with me,

Each day as I stare out the window I think of the things that made me fall for you so.

The way your name leaves my lips like the sound of a sweet spring rain,

Or the way that you smell like miles and miles of the most beautiful flowers.

When I think back to the kisses you laid upon my lips or the feel of your arms around me,

Keeping me safe and sheltering me from the cold hard world around…

When I think of the sweet sound of your voice gentle and calm while I fight to stay strong

Or the feel of being complete with your fingers between mine…

When I think of the smiles and laughs we share and the secrets no one else will ever hear

Or the tears I lose crying tears of joy that I have you…

It’s hard to believe you’re mine

No one has ever made me feel safe and whole like you do, and I don’t see how another could.

Nothing sends the flocks of butterflies to my stomach faster than the mere thought of you.

Not another person in this world has meant to me what you do and not another ever could.

When I am down, you lift me higher than I have ever been.

When I’m up, you give me wings to soar far and beyond anything I thought I would ever see.

When I thought it couldn’t get any better, you have proved me wrong time and time again.

I guess I kinda sorta might like you a lot more than I originally planned.. 

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